Weasel Words

Language is a wonderful gift. It allows us to communicate enormously complex information from one person to another. It provides us with song, poetry, literature as well as a vast range of technical information. It allows us to share experiences to the mutual benefit of all. Sadly, it also has a downside. I want to look at one aspect of that downside, as it affects people who are struggling to come to terms with some difficulty or another. Inside my head lights flash and alarm bells start to ring whenever I hear someone say to me, "If I were you.....". Unlike me, they don't have the full facts about my current situation, the one that they are about to help me with. They only have the picture as their imagination paints it for them and so what they say next will reflect that. It will be overly simple; it will almost certainly be something that I have already considered and rejected on at least one occasion. But most of all, they are lying - unconsciously admittedly, but still lying - because they are not going to tell me what they would do if they were me; they are about to tell me what I would do if I were them, which is very different. I am not them so no matter how good their solution is, it probably won't be appropriate for me. Their solution will lack an essential component, insight. So, for example, if I say that I am too frightened to fly to Australia, they might say "Why don't you just fly from Manchester to London as a start." Be suspicious of people who want to give you advice and solutions on a plate. No matter how authoritative their position, you should trust your own instincts (Yes, I know that's advice; I apologise; ignore me.) Actually that's a useful guide to a successful therapist, counsellor or life coach; they focus on listening not on telling. They use questions more than statements. In that example for instance, a good therapist will ask something along the lines of "What is it that you fear?", following up with more questions in an effort to understand the root of the problem. Next I would want to pursue another line of enquiry;"Have you thought about what you might do to tackle your fear?", "Why did that not seem a good idea?" Two weasel words of advice to really run away from are 'should' and 'ought'. Each describes a course of action - mental, emotional or physical - that the person offering presents wrapped up in an obligation to do something you're not doing, very likely for a reason. I enjoy painting in watercolour, not that well but I have sold a couple of pictures over the years. It was something I thought I couldn't do, but eventually tried and was pleased with my first attempt. I showed it to an artist friend who agreed that I had some ability. "I think I should sign up for some classes", I said. His advice was a categorical "No!". "A teacher will show you how to paint like he or she does. Paint the way you do. If you keep at it, you'll get there on your own." He was right. Ten years after that first painting I returned to the exact same subject and painted a new version. There was no comparison between the stumbling of the original and the competence of the second. Take all the help you can from people who see their role as being to assist you in finding your own way out of your present difficulties, and trust your instincts. And keep a keen look-out for those weasel words and phrases.